Canine

As summer progresses I am learning things about who I am and who I want to be. I am realizing that the moments in my past that I am least proud of are the ones in which I was not loyal to a friend, but instead was selfish. I don't enjoy the thought of being remembered for those moments. Friendship is something that at this point in my life means much, and yet it is so easy for me to be a mediocre friend; to find the aspects in which I can reap the benefits of a friendship without really working at being loyal and devoted to a friend. This, as I well know, sounds extremely pessimistic, but for the most part I believe we can all think of times in which we have experienced some variation of this selfishness. Being selfish and self-serving can be so appealing to be, and yet so disgusting to experience.

In the last few weeks of processing this I have been trying to work on being a less selfish friend, a sort of search and destroy of selfishness in my life. but I think the hardest part of being a loyal, selfless friend for me is, that in most cases, I am not even cognitive of my selfishness.

I know this post isn't complete but neither is my processing of it all.

All I know is that when I die, I want to be remembered as a devoted friend. A friend who found a way to eliminate selfish behavior from his life and served his friends fervently.

I want to be Loyal.

People

In the past month or two I have, been evacuated from my dorm (for the second time this year) on account of wildfires, driven back and forth from Nuevo to Santa Barbara multiple times, driven to Bellevue, Washington, camped at Bass Lake, seen half dome, moved back up to Forest Home and am now done with the first week of camp. I slept without a real bed for about 3 weeks straight. I deprived myself of many needed hours of sleep. It has been two of the best months of my life. But the most varied aspect of the last two months has been the people I have been with. I have been amazed by the constant quality of the people that I have experienced.

The importance of being around good people really dawned on me this week as I worked our first week of camp. I met a Jr. High Boy that I don't think I will ever forget. When I met him it was hard not to think that he was a strange kid, He had choppy blonde hair, Pale skin, and a very triangular face, which came to a point at his thin chin. His demeanor was awkward and at times harsh. Every time he was addressed he answered sharply and defensively – as though he was used to being accused and questioned.

Over the course of a week there were two incidents involving this Boy, he was involved in a small fight with another Jr. Higher, and in a disturbing flurry of emotion he verbally assaulted his cabin mates. In the chaos that ensued both of these incidents he expressed that he now lives with his grandparents because his mother had left him and CPS had taken him away from his Father and Brother because they had both beaten him. I found myself looking at this boy, trying hard just to keep my composure, my first reaction was despair this young boy had had to endure such terrible and painful things, my second reaction was guilt that I had two of the most amazing parents could anyone could ask for. I thought about how throughout my childhood I had been constantly surrounded by multitude of caring, loving, who were there for me, to protect me, to provide for me, to make me feel safe, and yet this boy sat in front of me knowing only accusation, abuse, and a sense of worthlessness because of the way the adults in his life had treated him.

Amazingly, despite these incidents and because of a loving and caring counselor (Stevie Morin) there ended up being a sense of unity among the boys of this cabin. Sadly the thing that unified most of these boys was the fact that they had all been exposed to mistreatment from people who should have been protecting and loving them.

A certain boy in the cabin - who I found to be the most mature well adjusted Jr. Higher I have ever met - shared that he had only ever known his moms side of his family and had only just recently found out the reason for his estrangement was that his father (who had left him as a baby) had kept his existence a secret. Crying he said to me “my grandma and grandpa don’t even know I exist”.

I am still trying to grasp all of this, but despite all of the sad things that this one cabin of boys shared this week there was a sense of hope expressed. The boys were able to come together and find good in each of their specific situations. One student even expressed that he now could see the purpose of him growing up in a foster home, because he could now share with others the things he has learned from his painful experiences. This is a level of maturity not often seen in adults let alone Jr. Highers.

There was even a visible change in the demeanor of the boy who was abused by his father and brother. He went from being accusatory, defensive and distant to engaging me in conversation, and reaching out and putting his arm around me on multiple occasions.

I am still not sure what to take from the experience of this insane week 1, but it is now clear to me the importance of good people being involved in kids lives and the power of being kind and caring to a kid, even for one week. God can truly move in even the most tragic and terrible situations and I know that he will continue to move in the lives of these 9 Jr. High boys.

Keep fervent in your love for one another

Caleb Steven Bagdanov

Minus the Beard.

There lives a boy who has had the best the world can offer handed to him on a silver platter. He has wonderful friends and family, he is of good stature physically, and he has a brain which works for him pretty well most of the time. He has everything that any boy could possibly want, minus the beard. 

Every morning when he wakes up in the morning he looks in the mirror and searches his smooth baby like cheeks for the slightest sign of hair, which might be starting to poke itself out into the free world. And every morning he is disappointed to find that his baby smooth face remains barren and oppressed by beardlessness. He stares into the mirror thinking "the beard is the most pure, unadulterated, and noble way of making ones appearance handsome and manly and I cannot grow one. I want to, but my God forsaken face just wont grow one".  

The boy is forced to live his life without a beard. He is sure that when he walks by a group of people that they don't really see him. Because he is sure they are to distracted by his bare naked face. This is obviously a detriment to his self-confidence, especially in relation to the young women which catch his fancy. 

He is constantly tormented wrestling with questions like "why is it that millions of people who are able to grow wonderfully full beards habitually shave their beards right off, while I have to trudge through life wishing I could grow a nice little beard and just let it grow? I would just let it be and be free!"

So just remember beardlessness is a serious and crippling disability. Those who suffer from it do not choose this life style. It is forced upon them. The damage to manliness factor and self-confidence is real and in some cases irreversible. So be kind, look past the naked face and see the beard within. Unless the person has no beard within and enjoys their freakish smooth face. Then by all means do what is necessary to correct their dangerous misunderstanding of life.

Let it be and be free!

Keep fervent in your Love for one another

Caleb Steven Bagdanov

Grass and Regret

These are two poems I wrote this past semester in in class writing exorcises for my composition class.

Grass

The cool green grass glows in the summer sun,

It kindly brushes the sides of my feet,

Each blade embracing the next without conflict,

They slide in between my toes,

Existence of each dependant on the next,

Intertwined in a circle of relationship,

Existing individually surviving and thriving in community.

 

Regret

Regret is the shade of grey found right after a sunset,

And right before the stars litter the night sky.

Regret is the silence after an earthquake, as the earth still seems to vibrate.

Regret tastes like vinegar; The Bitter aftertastes mar the senses.

Regret is a circle; no matter how far I run from it I am lead directly back into it.

Regret feels like sand slipping through my fingers,

As hard as I try I can never quite contain it.

Regret smells like faded perfume that has lost its passion 

And has become stale and stagnant.

Semester #1 down.

So... I find myself sitting on my couch, in my living room, in my house, in Nuevo after my first semester at Westmont and have some time to write some things down. 

I just realized that this christmas break will be the longest I have been in Nuevo since early June. I have been gone 6 months. 

This six months Started with 10 weeks as a camp counsellor for Jr. High boys at Forest Home. I had kids with ADHD, kids who vomited all night, and a son of a dentist whose teeth were broken by his friends flashlight. Add to this nights where sleep seemed to never come and mornings that came far to quickly. Fatigue and frustration overcame me on a  regular basis. 

But when I think back to my summer these are the last things that come to mind. Instead my thoughts race to the things I learned from the amazing Jr. Highers I had the privilege of hanging out with this summer, from moments of pure hysteria at absurd hours of the night to the moments of grace in which light switches turned on and growth occurred. I think of kids who started the week hating life and ending the week never wanting to leave camp. I think of the people I got to work with and learn from. I think of my boss and his amazing family that somehow managed to fight cancer, parent there children and be the backbone of Creekside. But mostly I think of the God who brings all good things to fruition. 

After a summer away at camp my return to Nuevo was short lived, seeing as I was in Nuevo less than a week before departed for Westmont. The adjustment to living at school in Santa Barbara went as smoothly as one could hope. I met people i thoroughly enjoyed quickly, I had the added bonus of having my brother on campus with me, and my classes were interesting,

 challenging, but not overwhelming. 

I don't write this to say that everything in the last six months has been easy, it has not at all been easy but I am realizing that with the hard comes good as well. Being home and looking back on the past six months I can see more clearly than I ever have been able to the good things god has put in my life. From the experiences I have been able to have to the comfort in which I have experienced them I can only acknowledge the source of every good and perfect gift and be joyful and thankful always.

Keep fervent in your love for one another

Caleb Steven

Nick Pitera

This is possible the most impressive thing I have ever seen!

First watch the Aladdin to hear his normal singing voice and high voice, then move onto the whitney Houston song. don't miss out on the end either, be patient.

I know,

Keep fervent in your love for one another.

Caleb Steven

Barefoot and loving it!

So, This week my 3 newly acquired friends Tucker, Reyn, and lindsey and I have decided to be barefoot for the entire week.  I guess to most who encounter our naked feet, we just seem like freshman who are trying to fit in with the free spirited crowd here at Westmont. Not saying that if that were the case i would admit it, but that definitely is not the case. So let me explain what all this barefootedness is about. For me it started as simply asking my freind tucker what was written on his feet. He lifted his foot showed to me the writing on his bare foot that read EXO 3:5 which reads "Then He said, "Do not come near here; remove your sandals from your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground." and that he was going barefoot for a week to acknowledge that god created the earth and everything in it for us a holy ground of sorts. since I am someone who will take any excuse not to wear shoes i decided to join this shoeless experiment, and i must say for something that started as a simple fun way to not wear shoes it has turned into a very powerful spiritual experience. From Having to walk on rough asphalt that every step feels like it is ripping your skin off and getting the nice surprise of stepping on a rock on just the right spot of the heel where it makes you want scream profanities , to being able to truly appreciate how soft grass and sand feels on bare-feet. It also reminds me how just a simple acknowledgement of gods presence in everything can change perspective because every time I need to go somewhere I am reminded that I am bare foot for a reason. A daily reminder of gods goodness and glory, for i can often go days without remembering the gifts god has provided for me. So my new goal is to remember to take off my sandals literally and figuratively and acknowledge the ground I stand on is holy ground. 

Keep fervent in your love for one another.

Caleb Steven